I can’t count how many times people have told me how lucky my kids are that I adopted them from foster care.
But I believe I am the lucky one. I gave them a home—but every child deserves that. What they have given me is compassion, joy, and the privilege of watching them blossom into lovely young adults.
I first thought of adopting from foster care in my late twenties. I never felt any drive to have children biologically. It made sense to me that there were children who needed homes, and since I wanted kids, adopting children from state care seemed perfectly natural.
Probably the biggest hurdle I faced was not my children’s needs but opposition from well-meaning friends and family. Biases against foster children run deep. Among these biases are myths that foster children are unadoptable, costly, or just too much trouble to handle. I was pleased, for example, that not only are state adoptions free, many states also offer additional subsidies for working families who adopt.
Those who meet my kids are often surprised they came from foster care. My daughter’s photo was once marketed in newspapers across three states in an effort to find her a home. No one who knows her can believe that such a beautiful, caring girl would be considered hard to place. I still have that clipping, and when I look at it I feel a sadness that any child should have to be shopped like a piece of furniture.
The same story could be told with my sons. Both are remarkably bright, healthy and empathetic young men.
But the reality is children like mine often never find permanent homes. Those who are minorities or are older often wait in vain for a forever family that never comes. Instead they stay in foster care, often bouncing from one foster home to another, until they are unceremoniously dumped on to the streets at age eighteen. An estimated 40 percent of all homeless youth come from foster care.
I won’t pretend that raising my kids is always easy. But it is often easier than most people would assume. They are just children, after all—loveable, frustrating, time-consuming, amazing, and, in the end, uniquely themselves.
I asked them if I could write about them for this project, and they said yes. My oldest son said he wishes more people would adopt foster kids. My youngest son wanted people to know I am his favorite mom because I am going to keep him forever. My daughter agreed but then said I would be a better mom if I let her have texting on her cell phone.
I know that not every one can adopt foster kids—but anyone can help. There are many ways we can all do one thing, from mentoring to volunteering with agencies that work with foster kids.
I wish I could show people how wonderful my children are, and how blessed my life has been since their adoptions. But I suppose that is something only I can really know—and in the end that is what makes me the truly lucky one.
About the author:
Rene Denfeld is an internationally bestselling author and a journalist who has written for publications including the New York Times Magazine. She is pictured here with her three children, Luppi (13), Dontonio (12) and Markel (6).
Photograph for Do1Thing by Robbie McClaran
